Things I Learned This Week

1) Saturday Night Live writers are kinda funny looking.
2) Drunk girls will throw themselves at SNL writers.
Drunk girl: My friends said I should do something funny. (giggle)
3) Mission of Burma's bass (?) player has a seventeen year-old son who "loves" The Onion.
4) You are not supposed to inhale cloves.
5) If you do, you will fall down on the roof.
6) Or maybe that's just me...
7) Devils tickets cost a shit-ton of money sometimes.
8) There is a sweet dive bar near the ice rink in Montclair.
9) You can skate while drunk pretty easily.
10) This woman at the ice rink has a crush on the skating instructor.
11) No, she does not want to donate $25 to the environment.
KPd.: But she so would if I had knocked on her door instead of asking her at an ice rink.
12) Zsa Zsa Gabor is a person.
13) Cell phones don't like the cold.
14) Even if you are stuck on the roof because you are still too light-headed to stand up.
15) Rooves collect ice easily.
16) You can see Orion at night right now.
17) I don't want to talk about everything I learned.
18) Even though some of it is hilarious.
19) Some of it is not.
20) If it snows, Park Slope is going to try to set the Guiness record for largest snowball fight.

The Pinochet Badassossity Calculator.

Oh, werd?
A news source of note (Ben) has observed that Pinochet has been released on $19,000 bail. You may remember him as the famed dictator from Chile (pronounced "chilly" unless you are in solidarity with its people in which case it is pronounced "CHEE-lay"). Now, my bail was $10,000. This makes me 52.6% as badass as Pinochet.
Nif-tay.

New Year's Eve Recap

Oh, werd?
So, quite a few of my readers (I think) were at my party in Brooklyn.
Maybe some of you were not.
Either way, share a story here! A funny moment! PICTURE LINKS!
For example, me and Amanda and Tara (fuck you grammar) found a brown mesh shirt that belongs to none of us in my room that Eric was wearing for a while. Who's shirt could this be?
Or: Sadownik berrated people into doing a shot of whiskey (!?!) when we were already drunk.
Or: How cool was it that we pulled off the champagne and fireworks on the roof at midnight?
What was your favorite NYE moment?
....And picture links.
"...............And drugs." =D

Ailments in 2006 America

Oh, werd?
So, in my last post, I explained some injuries and accidents that I successfully (kinda) treated without health insurance. Here is another!
3) Kidney infection!
Sometimes, when one does not have health insurance, one ignores little problems until they become *this* problem:
KPd.: Hello? Useless Oncall Doctor? I'm peeing blood.
Useless oncall doctor: You have kidney stones. Go to the ER for pain management.
KPd.: I'm pretty sure this is an infection.....
UOD: I am 99% sure it's a kidney stone.
Treatment:
-Homemade dialysis center! (Drinking cranberry juice while in the bathroom.)
-Seeing a less useless doctor and charming them into giving you free antibiotic samples by berrating the American health care system.
-Endorphines for pain management. =D

Injuries and Accidents in 2006 America

Oh, werd?
So, I have no health insurance (but I'll qualify next December!), so injuries, accidents, and ailments have to be treated by the seat of my pants. Here are, thus far, the injuries that have gone untreated by professionals in 06:

1) Cut off the tip of left thumb. As I say to customers who wonder why I am fumbling counting money, "I had a tragic quiche-making incident."
Customer: ".......Oh." (blink. blink.)
It bled in a very cool way.
Treatment:
-let bleed for 2 days (to decrease chance of infection)
-put ice on it (to slow bleeding somewhat)
-change bandaids every morning
-assume that tetnus shot from 2001 will cover me
-cranberry juice to cleanse body of bacteria that I can't afford to kill with medicine
2) Busted right big toe. This one was the result of a wall mirror falling on my foot. It's probably just a bone bruise, but who knows? =D The purpleness is receding, so I bet it's fine.
Treatment:
-note that you can't treat a broken toe anyway, so save money by not seeking xrays
-tape to toe next to it
-tred lightly
-pick broken mirror glass out of bed
3) World's Worst Hangover Ever. Yeah.... glogg is the devil in liquid form....
Treatment:
-eggs and potatoes
-move slowly until 2pm
-stick feet in water at Coney Island on New Year's Day

In general, sticking your feet in fookin freezing salt water on New Year's Day is a good idea. It's a fantastic way to start a year. It didn't prevent the injuries, but it cleared up the hangover.
There were some cool folks at the boardwalk....

Cool Folks:
A) Twenty-somethings dancing to old records like there was no tomorrow.
B) Two drunk dudes swimming in their underwear with a bottle of bourbon. They later serenaded me briefly.
C) Old Russian guys with really sweet fishing poles grumbling and fishing off a pier.
D) New York Guy who said, with no irony, in a thick NY accent, "Only in New York!" in reference to the swimmers. The tourism board should film him for an ad or something...
E) The Shoot-the-Star game guy who opened his booth for the day.
Cool...