Digging a Hole

Monday, September 26, 2005

Ten Reasons We Didn't Stop the War

Oh, werd?
So, after this weekend, I didn't get a chance right away to read the paper or watch the news. I assumed that the war had been stopped because, like, DUH, a ton of people protested. Imagine my surprise when page A33434 of the NY Times reported that 25 people were killed in an ambush yesterday. So, here are my:
10) Not enough toilet paper in the porta potties. This led to people having to buy cheap sodas in order to pee in corporate locations like McDonalds and... um... Au Bon Pain! which clearly support the military industrial complex.
9) The line in Au Bon Pain. It was soooooo long! Half the march got tied up when they ran out of bread bowls!
8) The march route. Who had the bright idea to make the march route look like one of those "Which kite is Bobby flying?" puzzles from Highlights magazine? We would have totally stopped the war if any of us could figure out which direction to go.
7) The Dude in the Red Spandex Body Suit. Why is the Left so fricken weird? Like, we get it. Devils are bad. Bush is bad. A Devil walking *next* to Bush...... We get it. Subtle... But for pete's sake, wear some shorts over that body suit!
6) the Metro. It is so hard to use! I almost gave up on getting to the protest. I'm sure fainter hearts did. Also, it stops running at 2am, thus preventing protester parties. Jerks.
5) DC being far away. I know I didn't sleep the night before. I know a lot of other people who didn't get any sleep either. Protests should me more centrally located in blue zones to increase turnout. "Hey hey, ho ho! I'm gonna sleep forever when I get home!" "What do we want? Coffee!"
4) The Veterans for Peace. Okay... I know... they served their country and now they are critiquing the military, so we need to give them extra respect blah blah blah... They monopolized the whole march! I mean, it was one thing to let a few groups of them pass, but when the same groups started going by twice... They were almost as much fun to march near as the:
4b) Giant List of Fallen Soldiers. I know I know... This shouldn't be funny.... But it was kind of funny how no one wanted to be *anywhere* near that list in the march. Every time you saw a huge gap in the crowd, you can be sure a string of names was filing past.
3) The Office. "We'll just get one drink." What were we thinking getting four rounds of beer the midnight before the 5am drive to DC? Now if we had gotten the four rounds of beer at like... 11am.... *in* DC... the protest might have been WAY more fun.
2) The DC Police. Can you believe their outrageous behavior? I mean, if they would have busted just, like, one head... or maybe one can of tear gas... that would have gotten the crowd going for sure! We missed the energy they bring to any protest this weekend.
1) Ben forgot the snare drum. 'Nuff said.
Oh well. We didn't stop the war. But we *did* dance to Le Tigre. We *did* play hackysack with all of Clean Water Action. We *did* have a fun road trip.
I mean, did we really think we were going to stop it anyway?
I know I'm still feeling grinny. =)

Friday, September 23, 2005

Stockbrokers Ain't No Heroes

...But they will buy you shots of tequila!
Oh, werd?
Tara's 23rd birthday went from lovely dinner to lovely adventure when we wandered into the Wednesday night Manhattan bar scene to celebrate. It all started innocently enough. After a drink at a table, we wandered up to sit at the bar, armed with our MadLibs. Simon, the bartender, helped us think of adverbs, and Liza ordered a round of shots. Just one, mind you, but if there is one thing that attracts rich, married financial dudes avoiding their wives, it's four young women taking a shot.
Bald Guy: Hi there.
KPd. Hey. How are you?
Bald Guy: You should try this beer.
KPd. OKey doke.
Bald guy: So, what do you do?
KPd. (smelling blood): Actually, I just moved from Jersey, and I don't have a job.
Bald guy: Oh, how vulnerable, I mean.... wonderful! for you.....
KPd.: So, are you gonna buy me a drink or what?

One bored married man became two.... then three..... and gosh, they all thought they could drink us under the table. Okay, in some of our cases they were right..... but I went head to head with, oh yes, the Vice President of Lamar advertising, and did alright. He told me he felt weird because he has a daughter my age. That's when I started to think maybe I had played this game a little too enthusiastically, downed our last shot, and looked for the rest of my crew......
Well, it turns out everyone else was a wee bit drunker than I was (yet) and much puking was had. Paid my respects to the bartender (who got the last round of beers, aww), collected various phone numbers (who knows? maybe I'll get a job), grabbed Tara, and marched towards the subway.
At this point, I got all of a sudden drunk. You know the feeling. It causes you to do things like:
1) send text messages that tell people how sober you are
2) send that text message 3 times by accident
3) hit Tara
4) take the subway, get bored, and take a taxi too, for good measure
We made it home safely. I didn't destroy any friendships via text message. I didn't throw up (but you already knew that, dear readers).
Spent all of Thursday tacking phone numbers to the kitchen wall and watching Season 2 of Friends. =D

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I am Not a Canvass Director

But I've been offered the position twice now.
Here is my favorite job opening of the day:
Aw shnap. =D

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Applying for Jobs... Again....

Oh, werd?
So, as Vicky noted, I have successfully had and left my first post-college job. Time to find the NEXT post-college job. I wonder if, in like 35 years, I will be referring to my 29th post-college job. Perhaps I will have my 13th post-grad school job... Who knows?
Idealist.org features lots of grant-writing jobs. Like, the entire world needs grant writers. This is clearly a skill I should learn... But if I was that good at it, I'd just write grants for myself. I could ask for a $5000 grant to run away to Ireland again! Or... an $8400 grant to cover this year's rent. I would promise to do lots of activisty stuff with my resulting free time. I think the world would benefit immensely from me having lots of spare time! =D
Anyhoo, if there's one job I can get, it's street canvassing good 'ol NYC. As far as I can tell, that is the only job being offered on Craigslist. I can canvass to SAVE THE CHILDREN! or SAVE THE ARCTIC NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE! or SAVE LGBT RIGHTS! or even SAVE MY RENT PAYMENTS!!
But I would really like to expand my resume a bit. That's why the following post caught my eye: Collective Seeking Activist/Dogwalker/Catsitter in Queens
No, I did not make that up. It's a dogwalking collective called Dogwalking for the Rainforest/Petsitting for Non-Profits. They donate part of what they make to nonprofits... and... the... rainforest...? I guess... It was the longest posting I have ever seen on Craigslist. I was going to skip to the end when I saw: "You will not be considered if you don't take the time to read through this ad." Well, fuck.
Had I not read the ad, though, I would have missed the following:
1) We need someone available to work for at least a one year period. (we do understand there are emergencies and activist as well as family obligations)
2) We aren't perfect as human beings.
3) We are interested in helping the collective as a whole.
4) We try and put the professional needs of the animals before any personal conflicts between walkers. Not that you would have any.
5) If brought in your first week or two with the collective might be a little overwhelming.
Why is the left so..... like this? =)
Yargh... the search for a job continues. And for a Montclair bus schedule.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The Quest for Curtains

Oh, werd?
So, it has occurred to me that there are a few drawbacks to having the front room with all the windows. All the windows. There are windows up the front wall allowing the outside neighbors to see me get dressed. There are door windows which allow anyone in the living room to see me blogging. There is even a skylight that allows the neighbors to take a break from growing pot on the roof to watch me practice the dance moves in the "Decepticon" video. ( www.letigreworld.com)
Yesterday, I decided it was high time I acquired some curtains. First, I tried the lazy, bootleg way. My roommates and I have a large collection of random 'liberated' items, so I hung a McDonald's flag and a Citgo flag over the door with poorly aligned twine and stood back to admire my handywork. Surely, now, I could avoid a trip to Home Depot. Unfortunately, the twine has good comedic timing, so just as I went to put the hammer away it sagged across the middle and dropped the McD's flag. Damn.
Google maps provided me and my fellow intrepid explorer of Brooklyn, Aerob, with a small dot on top of Rt278. This, we knew, was where Home Depot, and curtains, could be found. With a nalgene, a backpack, a "Not for Tourists" guide to NYC, and a prayer, we set off.
After several blocks, we arrived at the dot. Lo and behold, we were standing underneath Rt278. There was a shopping cart, some bottles, and a cat, but no Home Depot. Undaunted, we decided to venture further into the tomblike world below the highway. A huge sign proclaimed that pedestrians were NOT allowed. But we knew that beyond that sign, were curtains, and glory.
Beyond the underpass, we found a parking lot filled with junk. The owner, or guard, of this lot lived in a trailer decorated by sunflowers (which terrify me, by the way). Next to the trailer was a HUGE doghouse for a dog named BEAR. (!!) We needed to walk past this lot to get to the haven of construction-zone-orange we could see around the bend. I heard a scrabbling along the fence, and there was Bear. He was a mangy skinny lab mutt (see: Donegal). No problem. =)
Once inside Home Depot, we were set upon by a legion of tricksters determined to steer us the wrong direction, give us conflicting advice, and send us into the poison lagoon that is the pesticides and cleaning supplies aisle as often as possible: THE HOME DEPOT STAFF!!!! You'd think that if your job was to, say, work in the storage aisle, you would know what was in it.
Me: "Excuse me, do you carry hangers?"
Employee: "Did you look in this aisle?"
Me: "Yes..."
Employee: "Were they there?"
Me: "No..."
Employee: "Well, there ya go. Maybe try breathing deeply in the pesticides aisle for a while."
Finally, we came to the aisle we were looking for, the CURTAIN ROD AISLE! A very unhelpful employee explained that we were never going to find anything, so we really shouldn't bother. Drawing on my canvasser training, a repeated to myself, "Don't let apathy make you apathetic!" and reached into the pile of rods. Success! I drew a gleaming curtain rod from the pile, placed it into my orange Home Depot bucket, dodged falling steel pipes, skidded around a corner, and dashed for the check out.
Several hours later, we had paid for our curtain rods, and stood heroically at the exit doors, surrounded by highway overpasses, underpasses, and a giant inflatable blue gorilla.
We had curtain rods!!!
I still don't have curtains, though.

Monday, September 05, 2005

What I Did With My Summer Vacation

Oh, werd? It's been awhile, eh?
So, I took a hiatus from the internet this summer. No, really. I didn't check my email, I didn't read news online, I didn't see the new Teen Girl Squad cartoon, and I didn't sign onto AIM with some secret screen name. Nope.
I just decided to spend some time enjoying the non-screened world for a bit. It was quite relaxing. Everyone should try it. =D
Here is a summary of what I found in my email after 4 months:
[ONE Campaign]: Fight AIDS in Africa!
Try Viagra FREE for 4 months!
[WESunity]: Racism is bad!
Low low mortgage rates for YOU
Your Wesleyn email account is getting full.
Re: Let's go to a Met's game!
[ONE Campaign]: Perhaps you missed the last email, but AIDS is still a problem.
ViAHgreh free!! Low Low PRICE!
Your Wesleyan email account is getting full.
You have been pre-approved to have your identity stolen!
Does yOuR penIs enlargered? !!!11!!1!!!
[ONE Campaign]: Fuck your apathy!
Your Wesleyan email account has been disconnected.

So, yeah. That was email.... So what else did I do this summer?

KPd.: I'm not sure if I want to work the summer or not yet.
Regional director dude: How can you still not be sure? It must be nice to not have to committ to anything ever, but I need to know. What else could possibly be bothering you?!
KPd.: Fine. Forget it. I'll work til September 1st.
RDD: If you were to stay until the end of September, that would be a 6-month committment, which is really what we look for.
KPd.: You're pushing it.

KPd.: I have 4 observers?
Canvass director: And a retrain, yes.

KPd.: So, that's what we do.
Random person: :::brandishing clipboard at me::: Are you going to take this?
KPd.: Well, do you agree with our goals?
RP: :::drops clipboard in garbage:::

College-age guy: Environment? Come inside!
Retrainee: Thanks!
College-age guy's mom: Here are sodas for all of you!
KPd.: Thanks a lot!
CAG: Do you mind if I read you this poem? It reminds me of the environment.
KPd.: Okay.....
CAG: Can you read a verse?
KPd.: Um.... do you agree with our goals or not?
CAG: Yes.... but there's just one problem...... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!
[Enter entire family with water guns and exit 6 soaked canvassers.]

Real estate woman: Okay, and I'll need 20 dollars for the credit checks.
KPd.: Credit check?

Aerob: We found a subletter. He's Ben's friend Artis's friend Tom.
Tom: I took the liberty of paying the summer's rent, repainting Tara's room, and making curry.

DD: There is nothing I can eat on the boardwalk.
KPd: There's pizza! And corn on the cob with butter! .........And BEER!

KPd.: I can't come into work today because I am throwing up....... but I *swear* it has nothing to do with alcohol!

Aunt Marnie: I knew this year's Cape May trip would be odd. I think MB is haunting us.

Claire: It's raining again.
Karlyn: Another great day at the beach......
Dad: I got cardboard rocket launchers we can fire at each other!
Mormen cousins: Are you sure we're related to the Doyles?

Uncle John, returning on his motorcycle with 5 colorful shovels strapped to his back: We are going to the beach to build the biggest damn sand castle the world has ever seen.

ClaireNKarlyn: Can we go to the boardwalk with Kerry and Kevin?
Uncle John: 2 rules: No tattoos. No lizards.

Bloomfield Avenue. 8am Sunday. Beers and ciggarettes in hand. Barefoot.
A family of well-dressed Jehovah's Witnesses walks by.
Heather: You know, we knock on doors too!

Heather: We are going to be so late for white water rafting...
DD: I know where I'm going. Look! There's the Pizza Hut!
Heather: Let's stop for lunch.
(1 hour later, at campsite)
Heather: Where is everyone?
Canvasser: They all left for white water rafting an hour ago.

(Upon finding the entire canvassers network arrayed in rafts at a safety training overlooking us)
E-Rok: Hey guys!
Rafting instructor: Who are these guys?
Rex: Oh. That's Jersey.
Rafting Instructor: Are you prepared to get bruised and bloodied?
E-Rok: ::shrugs::: Um... Yeah! Sure! Let's go!
Rafting Instructor: Grab a boat. Ask someone to fill you in on the training.

Kevin: Hi, I'm with the New Jersey Environmental Federation.
Random person: I gave to you like... a month ago...
Kevin: Naw... we only come once a year.
RP: No no.... I'm pretty sure... It was a young man named Englebert.
Kevin: (nervously) Um... I don't know of any Engleberts in the office right now...

KPd.: So, it turns out, there isn't a 2 dollar Irish pint night.
Canvassers: Aw...
KPd.: But... There's a buck fifty Irish pint night!

E-Rok: Let's go to the beach BEFORE work.
(4pm that day, at work.)
KPd. I'm really tired. I don't want to start canvassing.
E-Rok: Recline your chair.
KPd.: Huh?
E-Rok: I'm setting an alarm for 5.

Sadownik: (via phone) How are ya!?
KPd: Well, it's 7:30, and I have $25.
Sadownik: Is that good?
KPd: Well, I need $200.
Sadownik: Should I let you go?
KPd: Well, knocking on doors hasn't been working for me, so I'm going to try sitting for 5 minutes.

Kari Ann's brother: You need to get those kids out of this party.
KPd.: Okay man. Alright. Let me just get everyone together.
E-Rok and Chris:(ambushing me during this serious conversation): Throw Kerry in the pool!!!!!

E-Rok: :::bangs on Amanda's window at 6:30am with my belt to get her to wake up and let us into the apt.:::
Amanda: Who the fuck is on the roof at 6:30am?!?
E-Rok: I'm Kerry's friend! She's up here too! Kerry!
KPd.: (dangling my phone charger) Look! It's me! Here's my phone charger!
Amanda: Come inside. Find floor space. I'm going back to bed.

So, that was a sleepy version of my summer. I'm a little rusty with the typing... and thinking.... having not been on the internet in 4 months.... but I'll get back into the zone soon enough.
Jes posted pictures of me moving in today.