Digging a Hole

Monday, July 24, 2006

Technical Difficulties

Oh werd,
Just when you thought that Digging a Hole was BACK with BETTER than EVER updates, I lost my wireless connection. I'm coming to you live now from Eric's office.
Eric: Are you using my internet?
KPd.: Is that a problem?
Anyhoo, if I get up and go to the library this week, I'll post some more.
But until then, fookin 'ell...
Stay tuned for "Why You Bring a List to IKEA" and "What is a Marabou Stork?"

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Greetings from Asbury Park, NJ!!!

Oh, werd?
Today I did not hang sheetrock in Eric's living room or spackel (spackle?) it or sand it. We were supposed to hang, spack-ul, and sand it, but due to unforseen circumstances, we could not hang it, spackall, or sand it. This is good because I don't know how much help I would have been.
Eric: Hmm... should we get the quick dry or the heavy duty?
KPd.: Um... the green one.
Eric: Let's see... gallon or pint...?
KPd.: Uh... I guess... if you think you'll need more than three pints... get the gallon?
Eric: 120 or 150 super fine sand paper?
KPd.: Fine is.... um... fine.
Eric: You have no idea what you're talking about do you?
I did get a sneak peak into the lives of the truly suburban New Jerseyans. (Middletown, USA!) Monkey in the middle with tennis rackets and a hockey stick! Who says the suburbs are boring?
After several rounds of 'throw the vortex football over the tree,' it was time to swing into Redbank, and thus begins my tour of the north end of the Jersey shore.
It was interesting to see how different shore towns have evolved. Redbank has gone through several key redevelopment stages.
1) Sketchy 80s shore town.
2) Sketchy 80s shore town with artists and musicians.
3) Gay shore town.
4) Hip shore town.
5) Fair trade antiquing destination.
6) Fair trade antiquing destination with Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash.
It actually was pretty cool, but the main drag was very rich left wing -esque. Nice toy stores though!
The next shore town we checked out was Asbury Park, NJ. This down and out locale's new slogan is 'where the city meets the sea' which loosely translates to 'housing projects with a shoreline'. It's actually pretty tragic to see the gem of the Jersey Shore this wrecked. Huge abandoned steel and concrete buildings stand crumbling on pilings over the beach. This used to be where people flocked to the shore to ride carousels, play skee ball, and walk the boardwalk. In the late 70s, this was where Bruce Springsteen cut his teeth and my dad learned to play pinball. Then, the city overreached and went bankrupt. Now, a block from the beach, one can view this spraypainted conversation:
Graffiti 1: KillazEyes!
Graffiti 2 (with an arrow pointing to Graffiti 1): is a bitch!
Graffiti 3 (with an arrow pointing to Graffiti 2): Fuck you!
The city is making a comeback of sorts though. WPLJ was holding a local battle of the bands at the Stone Pony to see who would open for Bon Jovi at Giants Stadium. (Does it get any more Jersey than that?) The waves at the beach were great for boogie boarding, and people were paying to enter the beach. Finally, construction materials and vehicles hovered menacingly around the colossal old steel pier buildings. The gorgeous skeletal remains of old Asbury looked to be surrounded, and who knows what will be built to replace them?
Up the road, in Long Branch, the answer was clearly AS MANY LUXURY CONDOS AS POSSIBLE! Winding Woods! Shore Points! Pine Beach! Sea Breezes! Runaway Beach! (That's a dumb name for a luxury condo complex on the edge of a sea wall that is prone to flooding.. doncha think?) Long Branch is the home of MTOSOASOAT (or some combination of those letters). That is the acronym for the community group formed to protect the last old neighborhood of home owners from eminent domain. The city decided that retirees growing old in the modest homes they purchased decades ago was not the best use of the land. Within months, this neighborhood will be razed. Perhaps if they had stacked their houses on top of each other, built a giant parking lot, and called it "The Pine Breeze Shore Hill Homes... at Long Branch", they would have stood a chance.
My tour of the shore ended at Sandy Hook with steamers. Once upon a time, my dad has told me, you could get all the clams you could eat for a dollar. Now a pint costs 8 dollars. But they are still salty and delicious. And the beer was still cold. And it is still the Jersey shore.

Friday, July 07, 2006

MONTAGE!!! Spring/Summer 06!

Oh, werd?

A brazillion cool and scary things have happened in the past month and a half, but I have failed to blog them for two reasons: They weren't great stories OR there is no internet in New Jersey.(Why are so many of my favorite people Luddites?)

I am once again on the prowl in the suburbs and cities and pasturelands of Jersey, spreading cheer and environmental literature, accepting checks and invitations to dinner, and splashing through the thunderstorms of late spring. It's a wonderful way to live, but sadly it comes at the expense of my life in Brooklyn and my awesometastic roommates there who are putting up with my mid-20s crisis.

Anyhoo, I usually deliver good stories and scenes, so here is a montage. It's a cop-out, I know, but it's easier than trying to craft a storyline. Without further ado...

Becca: I'm jetlagged.
KPd.: We could have like, a glass of wine before bed. Ya know, and hang out. It'll be classy.
(5 hours later)
Tara: I think there's a fourth bottle half open in the fridge!

Tara: It shot across the room and hit the wall???

DVD: Is this the most vegan thing you have?
I HATE the punk rock holocaust!

Dude at bar: A toast!
Us: Okay! (raise glasses)
Dude: To white women!
Us: Ooh.... not so okay.... (lower glasses and look away nervously)

Tara: We're at brunch and we're talking about sex!!! It's just like HBO!

Ariel: I want to order chicken.
David: You know, some vegetarians won't even date people who eat meat. I'm really compromising.
KPd.: You know David, some Jewish women won't even date Buddhists.

(Everyone): Ew tubers!!!!

Drunk Eric and Drunk Brian: Stupid estrogen!
KPd.: My stupid estrogen just locked you out of your apartment!

Eric (to waitress): We want to order after dinner drinks, but we don't know what they are.
Waitress: I recommend this one (notes a mid-priced item).
Eric: Forget it. I'll have the $15 glass of port wine.
KPd.: We can do whatever we want! We're on vacation!

Dock worker, noting one 88 year old woman and four 20somethings: Taking the boat out?
Dock worker, seeing David's grandmother enter the boat first: Wait, she's the skipper?!

David's grandmother: Eric, you know how to sail right?
Eric: Uh... little one man boats.... Not anything this big.
Grandma: Oh dear, I thought you all knew what you were doing. Well, the most important thing is to not hit the other boats.

KPd.: I can't tell if I'm jibing or coming about! DUCK!

Kevin text (as thunder booms in background): this is gonna BLOW

Brian: I used the weather for dramatic effect. Like, I'm Brian with the NJ Environmental Federation (BOOM! FLASH!). We work on protecting water (CRASH!).

Keith (my seven year old cousin, on mini golf): High score! I win!

Karlyn: The flag on the front porch keeps blowing into my head.
Claire (over dramatic): I HATE this flag. Let's burn it!

KPd.: See? Shopping isn't that bad! We got presents for Tara and Amanda, a sweet shirt for you, and a magic football!
Kevin: Kerry, we were shopping for birthday presents for Rachel and Eric.
KPd.: Oh... damn... I hate shopping.
Kevin: We suck at this. I'm getting earrings. Does Eric have pierced ears?

Distant adult cousin: Hey Kerry, have you ever had braces?
KPd.: Yes...
Distant adult cousin: Oh...

Suburban man: I don't agree with these goals. I'm a consultant for developers. I'm a hard sell.
KPd.: Well I'm good at what I do, so I'm going to try anyway. By the way, can I have one of your cookies?
SM: Oh, sure.
KPd.: See?

KPd.: We have 40 minutes to make it home from turf before the liquor store closes!
BM: Liquor time: 2 minutes! We aren't going to make it!!
KPd.: That's it; we're taking to 'burb to the store right here. Don't tell Eric!

:::West African drum:::
:::Brian on vocals:::
Some guy at window over apartment yard: (YELLS SOMETHING)
KPd.: Was he mad or a fan?
Eric: I think he said, "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!"
Brian: Oh good.

Tara: I'm not paying 25 dollars to see dead bodies.

Aerob: I suspect... that it was MYSELF, MISS SCARLETT!
Tara: ::gasp!:::
KPd.: Fucking Miss Scarlett!

Some dude: You won't take no for an answer will you?
KPd.: I'm trained not to.