Digging a Hole

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Mono Sucks

Oh, werd?
So, it appears (I am too poor to afford the official blood test but two doctors have diagnosed me) that I have mono. Ewwwwww!!!
Which would explain why I don't really do anything other than go to Barnes and Noble and sleep anymore. Sorry dear readers.... assuming I have some. =)
Here is a: THANKSGIVING MONO- TAGE! (woo puns!)

Sunday before TDay:
KP: My throat is kinda sore.
June: Here is some tea with honey.
KP: Thanks. Love your new house.
June: Ari and his friends are finishing the basement.
June's son Ari (from basement): June! We just nailgunned a water pipe!

Monday before Tday:
KP (hoarsly): Could the next customer please step down?
People on long line: (grumble grumble grumble)
KP (slightly louder and hoarser): I'm open to help someone down here!
People on long line: (grumble whyisthelinesolong grumble)
KP: (jumps up and down and waves)
Annoying woman: How was I supposed to see you were open all the way down here?
KP: Sorry. I'd be louder but I have a horrible unknown sore throat virus. (grin) Want a bag?

KP: Wow, my throat really really hurts. Like.... ow. Damn!
Eric: I'm at the busstop.
KP: Just thought you should have all the relevant information....

Tuesday before Tday, 5pm:
(phone rings and wakes me up)
Aunt Gail: Shouldn't you be on your way to U2 by now?
KP: I guess...... I'm sick.
Aunt Gail: Whoa.... I'm calling your parents. This is serious!

KP: Okay, I have toilet paper from the bathroom for tissues, a large ice water, and 2 overpriced ice pops.... ready to rock and roll!
Aerob: Rear section 416 is awesome. We can watch Bono's butt all night!

Customer: Do you have books on Greek cooking?
KP: Probably. You can check at customer services. They look up books there.
Customer: What about this book. Ever hear of it?
KP: Yes.
Customer: Did you like it?
KP: (in pain) Yes.
Customer: Why?
KP (through teeth clenched in pain): It's nice.
Customer: Are you okay?
KP: (desperate nod and maniacal clenched grin)

KP: I can't finish my shift. I'm sorry. I can't swallow anymore.
Manager: Well..... well well..... I guess... if it's *so* bad, it's *so* bad then....

Mom: Can you make it home by yourself?
KP: Well, I guess I have to.... Unless...
Mom: That wasn't a ride offer.
KP: Okay then.

Doc: You have a temperature.
KP: A normal one, or a fever? Hahaha.... Little doctor joke.
Doc: Moving right along... your blood pressure is fine.
KP: Woohoo!
Doc: Okay.... going to take your pulse.... (takes pulse, walks away)
KP: So, I have a pulse too right?
Doc: Um... yes. Yes you do.
KP: Then we can rule out death as the problem. That's good.

Dad: You went to the Immedicenter instead of your own doctor?
KP: She never returned my message!
Dad: I could have told you you have mono!
KP: Right, but you refused to treat me.

Dad: Kerry! Come quick! March of the Wooden Soldiers is on!

Aunt Marnie: Now Keith, remember, you can not touch Cousin Kerry.

Aunt Gail: Well, you can't give *me* mono Kerry. Been there. Had that.
Aunt Marnie: There's really nothing you can give us actually.
Aunt Gail: Yeah, we pretty much have everything covered.
KP: Got it.
Kevin: Sure you can't drink wine Kerry?

Dad: You know the rules Keith! No kicking the inflatable globe at Grandma.

Dad: DON'T REACH OVER MY PLATE! You're getting EpsteinBarr virus everywhere.

Keith: How come Kerry gets ice pops for dinner AND dessert?

Aunt Gail: So, where'd ya get the mono from, eh?

KP: Ooh ooh ooh! I can breathe through my left nostril again!
Eric: Really?! Really!
KP: Whoops... wait. Nope. Not anymore.

Eric: I made turkey soup. Tell me what you think. Ooh, and be careful cause-
KP: *crunch*
Eric: -cause I didn't get all the bones out.

Middle-aged woman (from early posts fame!): Hey Kerry!
KP: Hey Mary Ellen.
MAW: (shouting from her porch) I heard you have mono!
KP: Um, yes.
MAW: The KISSING disease! That's what we called it! Of course, in my day, it was scandalous to admit you even have it! My mother wanted to know if I got it from a guy or a girl and of course, who would admit if it was a girl anyhoo? It was a guy, by the way. Do you know where you got it from? Sorry you have mono!
MAW2 (from across the street): Kerry has mono? Where'd ya get it, Ker?

So, I have mono. I got rejected by a job I thought I had. I don't work enough hours at BandN to pay rent without still using my savings. Yeah, life is good.
Thank God it's almost Christmas....
Jesus may not have been born in the winter, but who needs warm fuzzy feelings in April? This is a dark "darkest part of the year". =/
But.... it'll provide good material for humor!

Friday, November 18, 2005

I Love Cash Registers!!!!

Oh, werd?
My new keyboard (Skylar's keyboard) sounds like a movie keyboard. Like, mission control would type on this. Or... Neo in the Matrix would use it to type. It's very noisy in a satisfying kind of way.
Anyhoo, this post is not about Skylar, this post is about Barnes and Noble!
That's right, I got ANOTHER JOB! For those who don't know, I quit Dialoguing!!! Yay!
Here's how: (gosh I hope they never read my blog...)
KPd.: Hi Supervisor! It's Kerry.
Sup: Hey Kerry! How're you?
KPd.: Well, not so good actually.... You know how I've been having like, outside pressures?
Sup: (thinking: No.) Yes, definitely. What's going on?
KPd.: Well, it's gotten to the point where it is affecting my ability to do my job. I am really sorry, but I don't think I can continue to work here. I don't really want to talk about it. But, I really loved working with you guys, and I have a ton of respect for everyone.
Sup: Oh, I'm so sorry. I know you don't want to talk about whatever is going on, but know that you always can! And whenever you want your job back, it's waiting for you.
KPd.: Gosh, thanks! (overwhelmed and feeling guilty) By the way, could you mail me my paychecks?

So, thus concludes my tenure as a street dialoguer. It was a good run. Sorta... But I am beginning a new era in my life..... HOLIDAY RETAIL!
It took two attempts, but I got hired as slave labor at Barnes and Noble. Sweet!
I get awesome benefits like:
-a .25 cent raise to 7.75 after 90 days!!!
-24 guaranteed hours of work each week! (sweet!)
-health benefits in a year! That's like, no time at all!
-the opportunity to work Christmas Eve, midnight the night before Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Break, AND the day after Christmas too!
Now how many jobs let you do THAT?
Oh, and I get half priced coffee at the cafe and 30% off books. That's actually kinda cool.
Yesterday, I had a day of training at the official Training Center in Manhattan. I was worried it was going to be awful and corporate and and conclude with us all sipping from a goblet of blood or something, but it was actually quite lovely (and paid). This guy Duane designed and runs the training sessions, and it was clear that he meant it when he said it was, "The best job I've ever had!"
Duane was one of those characters in the world that you are glad to have met and would love to get a coffee with (at half price) sometime. He looked about 45-50 years old with a "Kerry's Dad" beard and suspenders. He loved reading. He loved books. He loved BnN. He told us about how he started at the entry level 11 years ago and worked his way up. All of the training materials were designed by Duane. They were really fun! The fake cash register was a blast. The book searching system (BOOK MASTER!) was interesting. The store tour was what I really liked. I am always fascinated by like, where goods come from... How they get where they are going... Who organizes that kinda stuff.... Now I get to organize that kinda stuff! I can order stuff from warehouses around the country. I can return books to publishers. I can track stuff. I may be a huge dork, but I think that kind of stuff is neat.
Anyhoo, Duane rules, but don't worry. BnN wouldn't want to let a non-corporate guy like Duane train people for too long. Duane is currently "helping" to develop a CDROM that is going to replace him. How fucked up is that? I told Duane I thought that was messed up and offered (only half joking) to help him form a union and fight for his job that he loves so much. Then I called the "WeListen" line and my manager and told both of them that Duane's program was amazing and offered so much more than a CDROM ever could. I got way too invested in BnN already....
Just to make things sane again, I called in and said I couldn't work on my first day due to:
"Yeah, I thought BnN work weeks started on Mondays. Stupid, right? So I scheduled all of my loose end tying up in Jersey to be that Sunday beforehand."
"Oh, I understand. That's cool. You can start Monday then."
My professional telephone demeanor can get me anything I want. =D

Friday, November 11, 2005


"Tandy's Upstart Little Brother"!!!!!

I have decided to name my NEW COMPUTER Skylar.
Skylar is a young whippersnapper from the 'burbs. He enjoys listening to Good Charlotte and playing lacrosse. He is also my new computer. He can do lots of things Tandy couldn't do, like display images, and his parents make sure to tell him how special he is all the time.
If you have another potential identity for my new computer, post it here!, OR if you are feeling badly about how my laptop ("Kerry's Happy Machine") got smashed at my birthday party thus costing me hundreds of dollars, you can *still* donate to Kerry's New Computer Fund (AKA: Fund for TANDY Relief!).
And Oxfam....

Thursday, November 10, 2005

In Which: I Dialogue Yo' Ass!

Oh, werd?
So, some of you may wonder, what on earth do I do all day?
As today was THE WORST DAY EVER, and I am pretty sure I am going to quit, here is an example of:
a) a successful dialogue
b) a ridiculously easy dialogue
c) most dialogues.

A) Kerry Rocks the Skillz

Step 1: the stop!
KPd.: (jumping up and down) Hello!! Hi! Happy Tuesday! How ya doin? My name's Kerry! That is a stupendously brightly colored scarf you are wearing! (extending hand for a handshake)
Person: Um... hi...? I'm Person... (shakes my hand)
KPd.: (holding onto hand with death grip) Nice to meet ya! You look like a person who cares passionately about human rights.
Person: Well.... yeah.... what are you doing?
KPd.: I'm so glad you asked. I'm a paid organizer with Dialogue Direct representing Oxfam, a humanitarian relief and human rights organization. Heard of us?
P: Vaguely... somewhere...
KPd.: Cool! Great! Yeah, we're in the paper quite a bit. You strike me as a newspaper reading kind of person...
P: (laughs) Well yeah.
KPd.: Cool, well, (opens map of Oxfam projects) we operate in over 120 countries. Currently, we are doing disaster relief in New Orleans, for example. Just as, if not more important, though, is our longterm human rights work. We work to undercut poverty at its source by working with local groups fighting for change from the bottom up, and by lobbying from the top down. So, for example, women are 70% of the world's extreme poor. This is because they are denied rights we take for granted like the right to get an education, the right to work and own property, and the right to choose when they marry. Until recently, girls as young as 14 could be forced to marry in Mozambique!
P: Whoa.
KPd.: There's a happy ending. Oxfam partnered with local women's groups there and helped them organize for change. They won! Five months ago the Family Law Act was passed in Mozambique! Now women can't be forced to marry young, so that means a 5 year old girl there now is going to finish her education, start a family on her own terms, and always be able to support her family. That's breaking the cycle of poverty. That's what Oxfam is all about.
P: So.....
KPd.: So, we are 130,000 strong now. Grassroots support keeps the work going. You can help be a partner with local groups struggling for change around the world, like those women in Mozambique. It's only 60 cents a day. Pocket change here. But crucial where we work. So, let's sign you up!
P: Um.... I don't know if I can commit to that...
KPd.: Hey, 18 dollars in New York doesn't go too far.... but in Ethiopia, it feeds a family of four for nearly 6 months. $30 sends 10 girls in Afghanistan the books they need for school. That's how big of an impact it makes.
P: Well.... I would like to read more about it....
KPd.: Hey, you already know the problem. It's something you've always known about. You know we are part of the solution, and you are clearly someone who cares. Oxfam is about breaking cycles of poverty, but we have to break our own cycles of not being personally involved for this to work. I know you want to help-
P: Of course!
KPd.: So sign up right now. (dramatic pause)
P: Okay.... let's do it.

B) Stupid Luck Sign-Ups
The Stop: KPd.: Hi there! Your fuzzy hood kinda looks like a caterpillar attacking your head!
Person: (laughing) What are you doing out here?
KPd.: Oxfam. Human rights.
P: Oh, I know them!
KPd.: Right on! We work on-
P: I know what you do.
KPd. Awesome. RIght now we are-
P: Get to the point. What do you want?
KPd.: Um, 18 dollars a month to keep the work going....
P: Great. How do I do that?

C) The Depressing Majority
Step 1: Stops that didn't work. (It really is a crapshoot... Bear in mind, there are a couple hundred failed stops a day.)

KPd.: You look like a strong, independent woman who cares about women's rights!
P: You thought wrong.

KPd.: What does the "P" on your coat stand for?
P: Pull down my Pants.

KPd: Happy Wednesday!
P: Fuck you!

KPd.: (jumps in front of someone) Hi! I am earnest and eager and hard to resist!
P: (smiles) True, but I'm going to resist anyway.

KPd.: Hi! (spotting someone carrying book "The End of Poverty") Want to help end poverty?
P: I'm busy. I'm going to a lecture about that.

KPd.: Hey there! How ya doin!
P: You're cute. Get over here. (pinches my cheek) You legal? Let's go somewhere and talk...

Step 2: Things go horribly wrong when I get to the issues.

KPd.: So, we're working on women's rights for example.
P: Well, Oxfam is great, but I have to disagree with women's rights. Look at this country. Women go to college, steal MEN'S JOBS, and then leave to raise kids when they are 30 anyway. They never finish what they start! It's a disgrace! Also, about blacks...

KPd.: Well, one thing we do in America is help migrant workers.
P: Immigrants?! Fucking terrorists! How about they stop blowing us up and burning down France?

KPd.: We do emergency food relief.
P: You send bombs to Palestinians, and then they blow up children! CHILDREN!
KPd.: What?
P: You didn't do any research at all did you? What, do you hate Israel?
KPd.: Huh?
P: How do you think the Palestinians GET bombs? The relief sandwiches! Do your reading! This group blows up children! This girl supports blowing up children!

Step 3: Yes, but...

P: I agree, but I don't want to give.
KPd.: (smiling) Well, why not?
P: Because:
I don't give on the street.
I like to research things.
My spouse will kill me.
I can't swing the 18 dollars.
I can't commit to the future.
I keep my money in a box under my bed.
Just because.
Because I promised myself I would say no to you. But you did a really good job.

Me and my sick as a dog self are gonna go chill the fook out.
Fookin' ell....
On the plus side, I did speak Irish to this guy today. That was cool. He still didn't sign up...
By the by: Oxfam IS a fantabulous organization. That's the only reason I keep going out there and getting smacked around.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Where's Kerry?

Oh, werd?
This post will be a brief communique as I am writing in Bloomfield and need to run shortly.
(Doesn't that sound all badarse and revolutionary? Like, "I have to run soon before agents of the government crash through the door!" But actually, I have to run soon because I need to get to Walgreens and pick up facewash before my mom comes home from work to give me a lift to Brooklyn. Ah, the revolutionary lifestyle....)
Anyhoo, I am not online because, despite Tandy's best efforts, my computer broke the rest of the way last Wednesday. Fan broke. Computer overheated. Meltdown in the literal sense. It all goes back to it getting smashed on my birthday, so whoever you are that smashed it, you have now cost me nearly $1000. Not that it wasn't an awesome party..... But now I really do need a "Help Kerry" Fund.....
...Because my job street "dialoguing" (it really doesn't deserve to be called canvassing) sucks. I am just good enough at it to not be fired, but not quite good enough to earn steady money. I love the people there, don't get me wrong, but it is sooooooo much rejection a day. Plus long hours. I feel like, on work days, that all I do is get up, commute to work, work, commute home, eat, and pass out. I spent all of college ridiculing that lifestyle, so what in the fuck am I doing?
I will post a funny, heart-warming day-in-the-life montage at a later time....
In the meantime, I have BIG plans. Like, ordering a new computer (Dude, I'm getting a Dell!), not sucking at dialoguing, and finding a new job. My current plan is holiday retail. It'll pay the bills if not the health insurance.......
But living on the edge can be fun! I mean, who needs prescriptions? Okay, I do...... But paying full price out of pocket is exciting and fun! You get to feel like a real high-roller. Like, "No no! I don't *HAVE* health insurance. I am too rich and daring. Here's a few twenties. Keep the change! Ha HA!"
The real world is testing me right now....
I don't know how my parents did 23 with me on the way....