In Which: I Dialogue Yo' Ass!

Oh, werd?
So, some of you may wonder, what on earth do I do all day?
As today was THE WORST DAY EVER, and I am pretty sure I am going to quit, here is an example of:
a) a successful dialogue
b) a ridiculously easy dialogue
c) most dialogues.

A) Kerry Rocks the Skillz

Step 1: the stop!
KPd.: (jumping up and down) Hello!! Hi! Happy Tuesday! How ya doin? My name's Kerry! That is a stupendously brightly colored scarf you are wearing! (extending hand for a handshake)
Person: Um... hi...? I'm Person... (shakes my hand)
KPd.: (holding onto hand with death grip) Nice to meet ya! You look like a person who cares passionately about human rights.
Person: Well.... yeah.... what are you doing?
KPd.: I'm so glad you asked. I'm a paid organizer with Dialogue Direct representing Oxfam, a humanitarian relief and human rights organization. Heard of us?
P: Vaguely... somewhere...
KPd.: Cool! Great! Yeah, we're in the paper quite a bit. You strike me as a newspaper reading kind of person...
P: (laughs) Well yeah.
KPd.: Cool, well, (opens map of Oxfam projects) we operate in over 120 countries. Currently, we are doing disaster relief in New Orleans, for example. Just as, if not more important, though, is our longterm human rights work. We work to undercut poverty at its source by working with local groups fighting for change from the bottom up, and by lobbying from the top down. So, for example, women are 70% of the world's extreme poor. This is because they are denied rights we take for granted like the right to get an education, the right to work and own property, and the right to choose when they marry. Until recently, girls as young as 14 could be forced to marry in Mozambique!
P: Whoa.
KPd.: There's a happy ending. Oxfam partnered with local women's groups there and helped them organize for change. They won! Five months ago the Family Law Act was passed in Mozambique! Now women can't be forced to marry young, so that means a 5 year old girl there now is going to finish her education, start a family on her own terms, and always be able to support her family. That's breaking the cycle of poverty. That's what Oxfam is all about.
P: So.....
KPd.: So, we are 130,000 strong now. Grassroots support keeps the work going. You can help be a partner with local groups struggling for change around the world, like those women in Mozambique. It's only 60 cents a day. Pocket change here. But crucial where we work. So, let's sign you up!
P: Um.... I don't know if I can commit to that...
KPd.: Hey, 18 dollars in New York doesn't go too far.... but in Ethiopia, it feeds a family of four for nearly 6 months. $30 sends 10 girls in Afghanistan the books they need for school. That's how big of an impact it makes.
P: Well.... I would like to read more about it....
KPd.: Hey, you already know the problem. It's something you've always known about. You know we are part of the solution, and you are clearly someone who cares. Oxfam is about breaking cycles of poverty, but we have to break our own cycles of not being personally involved for this to work. I know you want to help-
P: Of course!
KPd.: So sign up right now. (dramatic pause)
P: Okay.... let's do it.

B) Stupid Luck Sign-Ups
The Stop: KPd.: Hi there! Your fuzzy hood kinda looks like a caterpillar attacking your head!
Person: (laughing) What are you doing out here?
KPd.: Oxfam. Human rights.
P: Oh, I know them!
KPd.: Right on! We work on-
P: I know what you do.
KPd. Awesome. RIght now we are-
P: Get to the point. What do you want?
KPd.: Um, 18 dollars a month to keep the work going....
P: Great. How do I do that?

C) The Depressing Majority
Step 1: Stops that didn't work. (It really is a crapshoot... Bear in mind, there are a couple hundred failed stops a day.)

KPd.: You look like a strong, independent woman who cares about women's rights!
P: You thought wrong.

KPd.: What does the "P" on your coat stand for?
P: Pull down my Pants.

KPd: Happy Wednesday!
P: Fuck you!

KPd.: (jumps in front of someone) Hi! I am earnest and eager and hard to resist!
P: (smiles) True, but I'm going to resist anyway.

KPd.: Hi! (spotting someone carrying book "The End of Poverty") Want to help end poverty?
P: I'm busy. I'm going to a lecture about that.

KPd.: Hey there! How ya doin!
P: You're cute. Get over here. (pinches my cheek) You legal? Let's go somewhere and talk...

Step 2: Things go horribly wrong when I get to the issues.

KPd.: So, we're working on women's rights for example.
P: Well, Oxfam is great, but I have to disagree with women's rights. Look at this country. Women go to college, steal MEN'S JOBS, and then leave to raise kids when they are 30 anyway. They never finish what they start! It's a disgrace! Also, about blacks...

KPd.: Well, one thing we do in America is help migrant workers.
P: Immigrants?! Fucking terrorists! How about they stop blowing us up and burning down France?

KPd.: We do emergency food relief.
P: You send bombs to Palestinians, and then they blow up children! CHILDREN!
KPd.: What?
P: You didn't do any research at all did you? What, do you hate Israel?
KPd.: Huh?
P: How do you think the Palestinians GET bombs? The relief sandwiches! Do your reading! This group blows up children! This girl supports blowing up children!

Step 3: Yes, but...

P: I agree, but I don't want to give.
KPd.: (smiling) Well, why not?
P: Because:
I don't give on the street.
I like to research things.
My spouse will kill me.
I can't swing the 18 dollars.
I can't commit to the future.
I keep my money in a box under my bed.
Just because.
Because I promised myself I would say no to you. But you did a really good job.

:::sigh:::
Me and my sick as a dog self are gonna go chill the fook out.
Fookin' ell....
On the plus side, I did speak Irish to this guy today. That was cool. He still didn't sign up...
By the by: Oxfam IS a fantabulous organization. That's the only reason I keep going out there and getting smacked around.
www.oxfamamerica.org