So, today (Saturday), I had to take a bunch of slightly newer staff out to canvass in good old Teaneck, NJ. I was pretty excited when I succuessfully got the office door open (I suck at keys), so I figured that the hardest part of my day was over. Oh was I ever wrong....
It's never good when your phone rings on turf. People don't call to be like: "Dude! I am so awesome at canvassing!" or: "Here are some spiritual words of encouragement I randomly decided to send you!" or: "Hey! I just canvassed Salt from Salt'N'Peppa!" (Okay, the last one did happen once... She lives in Morristown, NJ, if you were wondering... Anyhoo...)
Oh no. You get calls like this:
KPD: Thanks for the 60 dollar contribution. Have a great afternoon!
Phone in pocket: buzz! buzz! buzz!
Canvass Kid: Kerry? Yeah, where are you?
KPD: Tilden St.....
CK: Tilden and what?
KPD: Lincoln..... ?
CK: I'll be right there.
:::cop car pulls up::::
KPD's internal monologue: Oh shit...
So, it would appear that cops in Teaneck are... bored... I guess... because they stopped a canvasser for the hell of it in the middle of the afternoon. 1st Amendment aside, we actually had official Teaneck permits, but oh no.... those weren't good enough.
Fuzz: Hi there.
CK: :::waving from back of cop car::: Hey Kerry!
KPD's internal monologue: Fuck. Fuck Fuck.
KPD: Hi! I'm Kerry. NJEF. We work on protecting-
Fuzz: I'm not going to sign your petition or whatever.
Fuzz: Let me see your permit.
KPD: Sure. Here ya go.
Fuzz's internal monologue: How can I fuck with her?
Fuzz: This isn't a permit from the town.
KPD: Um... it's what the town sent us....
Fuzz: This needs official town letterhead.
KPD: Well, it has a town signature on it. RJ La Morte. See?
Fuzz: Who's RJ La Morte?
KPD: The person in Teaneck who signs... permits...?
KPD's internal monologue: Fuck, I have to do the official piss off a cop conversation now....
KPD: Look, are you asking us to stop, or telling us?
Fuzz: I'm *telling* you to stop.
KPD: So.... if I canvass this house behind me, will you arrest me? (flinch)
Fuzz: Maybe I wasn't clear the first time. Are you listening to me? Yes, I'll arrest you.
KPD: Kay... can I have your name and badge number then?
Fuzz: Be my guest. Now you better have the rest of your crew off the streets. Can you do that?
KPD thinking: No.
KPD speaking: Yes. I'm going to call my director.
Fuzz: Now, I want to make sure you were paying attention to me. You understand what type of permit you need now? Tell me, what you are going to tell your director.
KPD: That for some reason, the permit the town sent us is unacceptable, so we need to sort that out.
Fuzz: No no no no. I told you what the problem is. Weren't you paying attention?
KPD: Right right, town letterhead, I heard you.
KPD internal monologue: Shut up smart aleck. You are going to get arrested.
Fuzz: I don't think you did.
KPD: I get it. I get it. Have a great day...
I didn't pull the rest of the crew. But I did drive to the police station to try and sort shit out while my canvass director, who was at a board of directors meeting at the time, attempted to mediate via satellite.... er... cell phone.
Desk fuzz: Give me your permit.
:::hands over permit:::
Phone in pocket: buzz! buzz! buzz!
Canvass director: Kerry? Don't give them your permit.
KPD's internal monologue: Fuck.
So, in the end, we had to pack up and leave Teaneck and go to EMERGENCY TURF!
.....Bloomfield! Sweet as. We don't even need a permit to go *there*.
Typed physical comedy short:
So, on the way to Bloomfield, we stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom. It was broken, but I talked the manager into letting me use it anyway if I promised to flush the toilet by lifting the chain by hand. No prob, right? Except, when I lifted the chain..... POP!
And by POP! I mean, something important came off and an absolutely awesome geiser of high powered water shot out the back of the toilet, put a whole in the bathroom ceiling, and started raining down on me. And I really needed to fix it, or at least stop it, seeing as how the manager had done me a favor by letting me pee at all. But first I had to laugh hysterically for 5 seconds. Okay, back to fixing it. Right! So I tried pouring water down the toilet to make it flush, to no avail, and by now I was pretty damn soaked, so I finally reached through the ceiling-piercing geiser of toilet water, grabbed the POP!-ped piece, and replaced it.
No one in Bloomfield seemed to notice my wet hair. Werd.