Digging a Hole

Monday, February 27, 2006

It's Too Bad...

...That I don't use this blog for advice, introspection, and decision-making...
Because it's one of those months.
Anyhoo, in the spirit of blog entries past, I would like to present a list of things I canvassed up yesterday... at Barnes and Noble's checkout line!
Story #1: Bartering for food.
A lot of times, when one gets up early to buy Mets tickets and one has work at noon and one gets distracted in between, one forgets to eat breakfast. Checking the schedule I noted that my lunch was not happening until 4pm. Not cool. I needed food *before* then. But where could I get food from the checkout line? A man purchasing books with a box of pizza gave me the perfect idea. If I charmed people out of chocolate ice pops, bowls of soup, and boxes of Tagalongs at their door, why not at the bookstore? The only problem was that food came down the checkout line less often than I knocked on full pantries.
KPd.: I'll trade you your pizza for these books.
Man: Oh, really?
KPd.: Sure, bartering should come back in fashion.
Man (to small son I didn't see): Should we give her our pizza?
Small son (so cute!): No way!
Man: Sorry. =)
I decided to get more aggressive with the next food that came my way.
KPd.: Is that a banana in your purse?
Woman: Um, yes... actually... Say, do you want it?
Story #2: I need a cheap dentist.
Man: Can I get 20 gift cards with 20$ each on them.
KPd.: Sure, why not?
Man: (watching me scan cards) Wow, you sure are a pro at this.
KPd.: Oh yeah, I majored in electronic gift cards in college. Say, why do you have 20 20$ gift cards?
Man: I'm a dentist. I give them to patients who refer a patient to me. Or Starbucks cards.
KPd.: Ooh, a dentist! Maybe you know where an uninsured 20something can get a cleaning on the cheap.
Dentist: You're skipping cleanings because you're uninsured? Not a good plan. Here's my card. A cleaning costs 85$. Maybe we could negotiate something for you. Did you have any cavities at your last cleaning?
KPd.: Naw. Never had a cavitiy. But I have had lots of freakish mouth trauma, so I have these little cracks that I like to keep track of.
Dentist: Let me see!
KPd.: (opens mouth)
Dentist: Ooh, wow, right across the front teeth. Give me a call sometime.
Story #3: War, no. Unions, yes!
KPd.: I like your button.
Man with button: Mmhmm...
KPd.: No, I *really* like your button. What union are you with?
Man: I'm the vice president of Local somethingsomething. Here, take my button. But you have to wear it. Here's my card.
KPd.: If I wear it here, I'll probably get fired.
Man: Give me my card back. (writes email address on it) Now, take my card.
Story #4: Coffee and desert.
Woman with small adorable girl: You have Dog Monoply on hold for us.
KPd.: Yup.
Woman: How much is it?
KPd.: 34.99
Woman to girl: Should we still get it?
Little girl: Oh yeah! It's perfect!
Woman: Okay, I guess we'll get it anyway.
KPd.: Oh look, it rang up for a dollar. That's weird.
Woman: Do you need to call someone.
KPd.: No, I did everything right. If that's what it rings as, no problem for me really. Here ya go.
Little girl: You rule!
Woman: Can I buy you a coffee?
KPd.: Whoa! Thanks, but... Um, look, I really didn't do anything. It just rang that way.
Woman: I'm getting you a coffee!
Story #5: Woman spits coffee everywhere and it is funny.
Woman: Is this the right way to the line?
KPd.: Nope.
Woman: I guess.... I guess I go over here then? (nervously sips coffee)
KPd.: Well you ruined everything now.
Woman: HA! (spits coffee everywhere) Hahahaha!

Life is so interesting right now.... Werd.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Fun with the Winter Olympics.... .Com

Oh, werd?
At 1AM, the really awesome Olympic sports get their time in the sun... sports like luge! And biathlon! And ice wrestling! (Okay, ice wrestling isn't real...) But the bottom line is that the really obscure sports are on parade. Which got me thinking... how does one become a slider anyway?
I headed straight to the source, the USA Luge website (http://www.usaluge.org/).
First, I learned that luge players are called "sliders". Sweet, now I can throw around the lingo at the track...
I found out where the tracks are (there are a total of THREE in the entire western hemisphere). One is in Lake Placid, NY! Clearly, I was close to luge glory. Now, how could I be discovered by the luge team.....
Well, by calling myself an "athlete," paying 30 bucks, and signing a form that basically says, "I will die and it's not luge's fault," I could become a MEMBER of the luge association! This entitles me to track time and coaching!
So, when civilians are less determined than I am, how do they earn the title, "slider"?
Well, apparently a tour goes through towns, lets kids ages 11-14 take turns trying physical challenges and street luge, and then offers a few of them the chance to come to luge camp. So, basically, our luge team is determined by which towns the luge tour (sponsored by Verizon) visited 4 years ago.... Weak.
Bored with luge, I decided to try luge's crazy cousin, skeleton. Or, head first luge.
The first site that appeared aftering Googling "skeleton sport" (after an unsuccessful search that resulted in lots of Halloween and anatomy sites) was a site featuring THIS amazing game: http://www.kingofskeleton.com/
Awesome! Some of you may have already received my challenges....
Try crashing your slider! So cool!
Next, I became the 2412th person to visit the US Biathlon website... Oh well. Sorry biathlon.
I decided to try one more search. Now that I knew how to become a slider, how could I join a bobsled team? Well, the first link Google provides is: http://www.usbsf.com
This link's description reads: "The official web site of the United States Bobsled and Skeleton Federation (don't be fooled by fakes such as usbobsledandskeleton.com." Which, of course, made me go to that page. Turns out, www.usbobsledandskeleton.com is, in fact, the OFFICIAL official website of the US team. Not sure what the other website's deal is.....
Anyway... Happy Olympics! Happy Nor'easter! And congrats to those who thought, early on, that taking their children to skeleton practice was a sure chance to visit Italy.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

6 Bars In 6 Days

Oh, werd?
You know it's time to take a night off when you notice a stat like this one....
The stories behind the streak:
Thursday: Buttermilk! (The Slope) A Johnny Cash tribute consisting of all-star folk-country bands and the bartender (Canadian Steve) buying me drinks. Rock on!
Friday: Tierney's! (Montclair) Talked my way past Johnny Thunder the bouncer by explaining we grew up in the same neighborhood (20 years apart) to find a great cover band, free beer compliments of Jimmy the bartender, and reduced price Jameson's after the bar closed ("But only because you're buying a shot for Johnny.") Johnny Thunder gave me a kiss on the head, dubbed Eric 'Lucky Bastard' for the night, and said we were welcome to skip the cover charge again any time. Sweet!
Saturday: South Park Bar and Grill! (Montclair) Ariel and David fought Eric and I for the spinach dip. Eric stuck a french fry up his nose and entered a fry-eating speed contest that only existed in his head. Hilarity ensued.
Saturday night/Sunday morning: Chinese Kareoke bar! (Flushing) Ask me for the full story, but basically, there is one bar in Flushing. It has Chinese kareoke night. They serve free tea. They sing rather well. We, alas, did not know the words. Oh, and it was 4:30am. And I had work at 8:30am. Turns out, Flushing does not celebrate Chinese New Year after dark. Just in the daytime. Spontanaeoity always leads to goofy adventure. =D
Monday: The Wagon somethingORother! (W4 stop Manhattan) Couple of pints at our favorite NYU hangout after receiving a discount at the "Fantasies!" store from a girl who thinks she went to high school with David Dower. Interesting...
Tuesday: Commonwealth! (The Slope) Watched the State of the Union address with Park Slope Drinking Liberally. Switchgrass abounds!
And so ends, my bar streak.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Switchgrass and the Human/Animal Hybrids

Oh, werd?
Did you know that America has an addiction to oil? Specifically oil originating from the Middle East? As Strongbad might say... HOLY CRAP!
Thankfully, we have our forward-thinking president to alert us to our impending energy doom. As the big energy companies noticed recently, oil is getting harder and harder to come by. That's why they are suddenly investing in renewable energy. And as goes the large energy companies, so goes the president from Texas.
Well, almost.
First we'll detour through "clean coal" which, I assume, is the fossilized remains of "clean prehistoric plantlife". Also, it gives Republicans money. Cleaner money than that money they got from that lobbiest......
Then, perhaps, we'll meander through a retro energy period. Nucular energy! It's like, if cocaine was cool again. Or, an unwinnable war and the folk music that opposed it. Oh, wait... Damn. To those of us following the country's oldest nuclear reactor (it's in NJ!), has come the news that it has had to be shut down recently due to several large malfunctions. Don't worry though, it'll totally still get it's permit renewed.
So, our commander in chief, knowing that we already were prepared to boo clean coal and hiss nucular technology, threw a curveball. Switchgrass! What is it? http://bioenergy.ornl.gov/papers/misc/switchgrass-profile.html
Cool. But what does the coal interest have to say about Bush's cheating heart?
Let's allow switchgrass to explain itself.
"Perhaps most important, we must recognize that fossil fuels will be our main energy base for many years, and bioenergy from switchgrass is not intended to compete with these valuable resources, but rather, to complement them by softening their environmental impact."
Switchgrass, the non-threatening renewable energy. Ya know.... maybe we could find a way to fossilize switchgrass....
And on to audience reponses. Or, more importantly, camera choices.
1) Coretta Scott King tribute: Cue shots on the the three black guys in the audience! Dude, where was Condoleeza? She's got some color.
2) That bomb sniffing dog. It had a chair! It wasn't sitting in it.... but it had a chair! It could have taken a page from Bush Sr. and peed on a dignitary....
3) The angry Arab-looking guy. All that freedom-speak had him looking positively pissed. What was that about? He obviously belonged with us, laughing and booing our way through the speech at a bar with Park Slope Drinking Liberally. He would have had way more fun.
4) The Supreme Court Justices. They looked like Ringwraiths! One vote to in the darkness bind them, indeed.
5) Hillary Clinton. Was she mad because Bush pretended to be friends with her husband? Or was she mad that her husband was mentioned at all? Boys are stupid, Hillary! Throw rocks at them!
What did the Democrats think about all this? Well, I and others got the Democratic response fallguy mixed up with Mark Warner and made fun of his left eyebrow... but we were given a rare show of scrappy sarcastic clapping, one of my most favorite things, when the Dems stood to applaud the failure of Bush's social security initiative. There's no image I like better than when someone with a blackening eye and blood oozing from their teeth eyes their tormentor and offers then a wry, bloodstained grin. It shows life. Now take that scrappiness and fight the bastards, Dems!
So, how about those human/animal hybrids? I know *I* love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Surely, the Bush twins watched Thundercats! But alas, Leonardo will have to remain a painter and a fiction phenomenon. No hybrids! Unless they involve cars running on switchgrass. Geez, what kind of world do we want our children to grow up in anyway?
Clearly a wine-sipping, overeducated, elitist French-speaking lame one. With mice with human ears. Actually, that's pretty cool.