A brazillion cool and scary things have happened in the past month and a half, but I have failed to blog them for two reasons: They weren't great stories OR there is no internet in New Jersey.(Why are so many of my favorite people Luddites?)
I am once again on the prowl in the suburbs and cities and pasturelands of Jersey, spreading cheer and environmental literature, accepting checks and invitations to dinner, and splashing through the thunderstorms of late spring. It's a wonderful way to live, but sadly it comes at the expense of my life in Brooklyn and my awesometastic roommates there who are putting up with my mid-20s crisis.
Anyhoo, I usually deliver good stories and scenes, so here is a montage. It's a cop-out, I know, but it's easier than trying to craft a storyline. Without further ado...
Becca: I'm jetlagged.
KPd.: We could have like, a glass of wine before bed. Ya know, and hang out. It'll be classy.
(5 hours later)
Tara: I think there's a fourth bottle half open in the fridge!
Tara: It shot across the room and hit the wall???
DVD: Is this the most vegan thing you have?
I HATE the punk rock holocaust!
Dude at bar: A toast!
Us: Okay! (raise glasses)
Dude: To white women!
Us: Ooh.... not so okay.... (lower glasses and look away nervously)
Tara: We're at brunch and we're talking about sex!!! It's just like HBO!
Ariel: I want to order chicken.
David: You know, some vegetarians won't even date people who eat meat. I'm really compromising.
KPd.: You know David, some Jewish women won't even date Buddhists.
(Everyone): Ew tubers!!!!
Drunk Eric and Drunk Brian: Stupid estrogen!
KPd.: My stupid estrogen just locked you out of your apartment!
Eric (to waitress): We want to order after dinner drinks, but we don't know what they are.
Waitress: I recommend this one (notes a mid-priced item).
Eric: Forget it. I'll have the $15 glass of port wine.
KPd.: We can do whatever we want! We're on vacation!
Dock worker, noting one 88 year old woman and four 20somethings: Taking the boat out?
Dock worker, seeing David's grandmother enter the boat first: Wait, she's the skipper?!
David's grandmother: Eric, you know how to sail right?
Eric: Uh... little one man boats.... Not anything this big.
Grandma: Oh dear, I thought you all knew what you were doing. Well, the most important thing is to not hit the other boats.
KPd.: I can't tell if I'm jibing or coming about! DUCK!
Kevin text (as thunder booms in background): this is gonna BLOW
Brian: I used the weather for dramatic effect. Like, I'm Brian with the NJ Environmental Federation (BOOM! FLASH!). We work on protecting water (CRASH!).
Keith (my seven year old cousin, on mini golf): High score! I win!
Karlyn: The flag on the front porch keeps blowing into my head.
Claire (over dramatic): I HATE this flag. Let's burn it!
KPd.: See? Shopping isn't that bad! We got presents for Tara and Amanda, a sweet shirt for you, and a magic football!
Kevin: Kerry, we were shopping for birthday presents for Rachel and Eric.
KPd.: Oh... damn... I hate shopping.
Kevin: We suck at this. I'm getting earrings. Does Eric have pierced ears?
Distant adult cousin: Hey Kerry, have you ever had braces?
Distant adult cousin: Oh...
Suburban man: I don't agree with these goals. I'm a consultant for developers. I'm a hard sell.
KPd.: Well I'm good at what I do, so I'm going to try anyway. By the way, can I have one of your cookies?
SM: Oh, sure.
KPd.: We have 40 minutes to make it home from turf before the liquor store closes!
BM: Liquor time: 2 minutes! We aren't going to make it!!
KPd.: That's it; we're taking to 'burb to the store right here. Don't tell Eric!
:::West African drum:::
:::Brian on vocals:::
Some guy at window over apartment yard: (YELLS SOMETHING)
KPd.: Was he mad or a fan?
Eric: I think he said, "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!"
Brian: Oh good.
Tara: I'm not paying 25 dollars to see dead bodies.
Aerob: I suspect... that it was MYSELF, MISS SCARLETT!
KPd.: Fucking Miss Scarlett!
Some dude: You won't take no for an answer will you?
KPd.: I'm trained not to.