Digging a Hole

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Jerslyn Edition

Or New Brooksey?

Anyhoo.... Oh, werd?
Here are some funny things about working in New Jersey, living in Brooklyn, doing my taxes, Orthodox Jewish missionaries, and the Prospect Park dog beach.

1) The world's most frustrating afternoon of all time ever period.
Last Monday, finding myself not working in neither New Jersey nor Brooklyn, I decided to get shit done. I needed to do the laundry, finish my NY taxes, get a library card, and clear up some stuff at the real estate office.

Step 1: Laundry into washer. 30 minutes til dryer move.

Step 2: 10 minutes later, at rent office:
KPd.: We paid all sorts of too much rent.
RentLady: No, you didn't pay enough.
KPd.: No, we paid all sorts of too much. We have copies of cashed checks.
RentLady: No, our records say that never happened.

Step 3: Park Slope Library, 10 minutes later
KPd.: I'd like to get the NY tax forms.
Librarian: We are all out. And so is the post office up the street. But, if you have a library card, you can print them on our computers.
KPd.: Oh, well then I'd like to get a library card.
L: Are you over 13 years of age?

Step 4: 4 seconds later, after blinking slowly
KPd.: Yes.
L: Do you have proof of residence?
KPd.: Um, a paycheck with my address?
L: Nope. Say, do you have any NYC tax forms?

Step 5: Walking home from stupid library, 10 minutes late to move laundry
Orthodox Jewish young men: Hey hey!
KPd.: Huh? What's up?
OJYM: Are you Jewish?!
KPd.: Umm... a quarter.
(dramatic pause)
OJYM: ...What's that mean?
KPd.: Eh... one Jewish grandparent...
OJYM: Oh!!! Mom's or Dad's parent?!!
KPd.: (sighing) Mom's...
OJYM: Her mom or her dad?!?!?!?
KPd.: (bigger sigh) Her dad.
OJYM: Oh. ...You aren't Jewish. ...Bye.

Step 6: Retrieve wet laundry from table and start dryer.

Step 7: Answer the phone.
Tara: Kerry? The realtors called... I think they found the missing check.

Step 8: Email tax forms to myself and print them on Amanda's computer.
KPd.: Okay, Form IT-203 is almost done... Let's see... Line 54... enter line 44 from Form IT-361.1..... FUCK!
Tara: Are you okay?
KPd.: I have to copy my W2s onto Form IT-2!?!?!!? Bastards!!
Tara: Kay....

Step 9: Write NY a check. Fuckers counted my Jersey money........

Step 10: Fold laundry. Watch Buffy. Pass out.

I only survived that afternoon because the day before was so stupendous. First, I went to Park Slope Methodist Church with Eric for Palm Sunday.
Pastor (to kids during children's sermon): What types of things do you pray Jesus will save you from?
Kid1: The War.
Kid2: Ooh ooh! Global warming!
Kid3: The Government.
Then, we had a lovely brunch courtesy of our fellow Windsor Terracians and headed to the park. We rendezvoused (sp?) at the world's cutest Little League game, and then headed for the greatest show on earth: The Prospect Park Dog Beach! Lots of sweet dogs running around and swimming (or trying to swim) and jumping and fetching things. Not all dogs were so well behaved.
KPd., Tara, Aerob, Ben, Eric: :::watch as owner lets small leashed dog pee on our stuff:::
KPd.: Umm...
Owner: She didn't pee on it. Just next to it.
KPd.: Umm...
Owner: Sorry. ...I guess. ....Not that sorry...

Ooh! We also made a pyramid with no top person and waited for someone on the top to join us! And someone did! Huzzah!

So, lots of other stuff has been happening, but I am bored with typing. In brief:
-started working at NJEF again
-Amanda threw a birthday party with punch
-Gov. Corzine came to our conference at Princeton
-a cat sat on my head at some lady's house
-I lifted a curse
-made a meat pie
-raised $500 in one night
-attended one of the two games the Mets have lost this season
-convinced Eric not to fill his bathtub with potting soil and peat moss
-didn't eat enough vegetables

"Who is it?"
"Hi! I'm Kerry! I'm with NJEF."
"Hi Kerry. It's dark out. I don't open my door."
Gosh I missed that woman....