The Ownership Society

Oh, werd?
Eric is incapable of watching one television channel at a time. He prides himself in perfectly timing his channel flips so that I can catch every moment of the Colbert Report and he can watch Destroyed in Seconds during the commercials. His absolute favorite channel to flip to, though, is the Home Network.
Me: You are watching real estate porn.
Eric: No, this is informative.
TV: Next, Sara and Robert take the plunge for the first time on Property Virgins.
Eric really really really wants to own property for a few reasons:
1) Our apartment has 1.5 bedrooms but 3.5 roommates (and two baby chicks).
2) Paying rent, even really cheap rent, is not an investment. (Although buying a house seems to me like renting from the bank for 30 years, but whatever.)
3) We want a dog.
We have gone to look at a few places in the "bad" neighborhoods of Montclair (i.e. a slightly higher Chinese restaurant to antique store ratio), so Eric has learned what my parents learned decades ago: I like and get incredibly excited about the wrong things in houses.
Real estate agents love showing houses to people like me because rather than keeping a cool hand, I reveal accidentally how excited I am about "features" that most people would assume detract from a house's value.
Real estate agent: The layout is a little quirky.
Me: Cool! There are doors between all the bedrooms so you can walk in a loop upstairs!
When I was 8, my parents looked for our first house. The one they now live in was perhaps not their first choice, but it was my favorite because it was the first one we saw that met my three key parameters: I got my own bedroom, it had a backyard, it had a downstairs where the rooms connect in a loop that I can run around and around. I'm pretty sure that there had to have been a moment where both of my parents smacked their foreheads in resignation while I showed the real estate agent how fast I could make it from the dining room to the kitchen.
In our current sporadic home search, Eric has patiently tried to explain to me why it is important not to exclaim in joy at "features" such as:
1) The tiniest living room ever ("It's so cute and cozy!")
2) The extra back staircase ("Cool! Just like a secret passageway!")
3) The bedrooms and other living space being in the basement instead of a second floor ("We can have loud parties here without disturbing the neighbors! It's like a bunker!")
4) The tree growing out of the ceiling ("It's so pretty! It'll be a blast to fix this place!")
I have yet to restrain my unhelpful outbursts despite the number of times Eric has reminded me not to look too excited about a house you are touring.
In my defense though, I have also had to explain to him that a neighborhood with multiple abandoned houses is not, in fact, "up and coming!" nor is it a sign of how much a community values public safety when the police check to see if you are buying drugs while you look at properties.
So the search continues for a house with a yard for a dog, a low low price and property taxes (but safe enough for me to go out at night), oh and a porch swing.
Eric: You can add a porch swing to any house with a porch, Kerry.
Me: Dude, if it has a porch swing, I am sold.