Things That Are Distracting America

Oh, werd?
First of all, a big shout out to whichever church in my neighborhood blasts bells at sunrise each morning. It's cool. I like not having full brain function from the sleep deprivation. I definitely don't need to sleep 8 hours in one night ever. It's good because the deprivation makes me less likely to censor my anger and emotions during the day. It's just like being interrogated! Yay!
Anyhoo... let's try this again...
Oh, werd?
We wind down the year in the midst of one of the biggest recessions in American history. Many Americans are out of work. Luckily, we also have some of the best distractions in American history. In fact, if unemployed Americans bought more of these distractions, maybe we could jump start our consumer economy. On the other hand, maybe unemployed Americans with cool toys will never bother to look for work again. I think that would boost our employment statistics, too.
So, here, in grand blogging tradition, is a list of the things that are distracting America:
1) Blogging.
I might as well start here rather than make it the cleverly ironic last thing on my list. You could say that blogs are an outlet for creativity and combat writer's block by encouraging candid off the cuff publishing. Or... blogging is a modern attention-seeking behavior. Or both. Either way, there are now blogs about blogs, books to tell you how to get more people to read your blog, and little tools that tell you how many people visit your blog and where they are from. I know that I got my best writing done when I was unemployed, so I assume we can expect some great works of blogging to appear in the world in the months to come.
2) iPhones.
It's a phone! It's an iPod! It's Google Earth! It's a really expensive breakable thing that you carry everywhere! (Did you know that you can blog from an iPhone?!) I have always thought that the iPhone was ridonkulous, but I think the funniest thing about them is the features that their owners choose to show you to demonstrate their power and usefulness. The first iPhone owner I ever met demonstrated that like a regular camera phone, it can take a picture, but UNLIKE these inferior phones, iPhones have a program that let you put an eye patch and pirate mustache on the photo. Now that is going to increase productivity. Yesterday, an iPhone owner showed me the fake zippo lighter feature and the light sabre function. Now if Apple comes out with a phone that actually can emit a metal-slicing laser beam, I will be impressed. Until then, iPhones are one more thing you should not have put on your credit card last summer.
3) Fantasy Football.
It's hard to get anything done when Brian Westbrook is your starting running back, and ESPN.com provides up to the minute injury updates with ESPN Football Injury Analyst Stephania Bell. Once upon a time, I hurried to get my homework done so that I could watch the Giants game. Now, I need to also see the Eagles, Cowboys, Cardinals, and Buccaneers (that is, until Earnest Graham went down with injury... then I needed to watch the Saints and Patriots, too). Not only are there games to watch, but there are players to pick up, smack to talk, and Kevin's polls to respond too. Did I mention free live scoring within a tenth of a point? In our league, there was a direct correlation between having a full-time job and *not* making the championship game. I rest my case.
4) DVD box sets.
Holy crap! Not since internet cartoons have we found such an awesome way to waste time! I never would have seen every episode of Friends and Sex and the City if I had been employed in late 2005. The recession should mean a boom time for DVD manufacturers. We should open a DVD factory in Ohio or another similarly depressed area. Also, now that my roommates and I are completely addicted to the DVD box set of House, we don't need universal health care. We are definitely now qualified to diagnose and treat lupus, lyme disease, that thing where cancer is in one part of the body but it hurts somewhere else, and vasculitis. All Obama needs to do is give every unemployed American a copy and access to WebMD to fix our health care crisis. Just to be safe, we could also give every American a box set of ER.
5) Flat screen TVs.
The picture isn't fuzzy because your old TV sucks. It is fuzzy because you have vision problems. Get some glasses. They are way cheaper than the hi-def wall eating monster at Best Buy. I know a Scrubs fan with a box set who can write you a prescription.