Ten Reasons We Didn't Stop the War
So, after this weekend, I didn't get a chance right away to read the paper or watch the news. I assumed that the war had been stopped because, like, DUH, a ton of people protested. Imagine my surprise when page A33434 of the NY Times reported that 25 people were killed in an ambush yesterday. So, here are my:
TEN REASONS WE DIDN'T STOP THE WAR THIS WEEKEND.
10) Not enough toilet paper in the porta potties. This led to people having to buy cheap sodas in order to pee in corporate locations like McDonalds and... um... Au Bon Pain! which clearly support the military industrial complex.
9) The line in Au Bon Pain. It was soooooo long! Half the march got tied up when they ran out of bread bowls!
8) The march route. Who had the bright idea to make the march route look like one of those "Which kite is Bobby flying?" puzzles from Highlights magazine? We would have totally stopped the war if any of us could figure out which direction to go.
7) The Dude in the Red Spandex Body Suit. Why is the Left so fricken weird? Like, we get it. Devils are bad. Bush is bad. A Devil walking *next* to Bush...... We get it. Subtle... But for pete's sake, wear some shorts over that body suit!
6) the Metro. It is so hard to use! I almost gave up on getting to the protest. I'm sure fainter hearts did. Also, it stops running at 2am, thus preventing protester parties. Jerks.
5) DC being far away. I know I didn't sleep the night before. I know a lot of other people who didn't get any sleep either. Protests should me more centrally located in blue zones to increase turnout. "Hey hey, ho ho! I'm gonna sleep forever when I get home!" "What do we want? Coffee!"
4) The Veterans for Peace. Okay... I know... they served their country and now they are critiquing the military, so we need to give them extra respect blah blah blah... They monopolized the whole march! I mean, it was one thing to let a few groups of them pass, but when the same groups started going by twice... They were almost as much fun to march near as the:
4b) Giant List of Fallen Soldiers. I know I know... This shouldn't be funny.... But it was kind of funny how no one wanted to be *anywhere* near that list in the march. Every time you saw a huge gap in the crowd, you can be sure a string of names was filing past.
3) The Office. "We'll just get one drink." What were we thinking getting four rounds of beer the midnight before the 5am drive to DC? Now if we had gotten the four rounds of beer at like... 11am.... *in* DC... the protest might have been WAY more fun.
2) The DC Police. Can you believe their outrageous behavior? I mean, if they would have busted just, like, one head... or maybe one can of tear gas... that would have gotten the crowd going for sure! We missed the energy they bring to any protest this weekend.
1) Ben forgot the snare drum. 'Nuff said.
Oh well. We didn't stop the war. But we *did* dance to Le Tigre. We *did* play hackysack with all of Clean Water Action. We *did* have a fun road trip.
I mean, did we really think we were going to stop it anyway?
I know I'm still feeling grinny. =)