So, obviously, I haven't blogged in a while...
And I really need to "break the seal" if you will, or I may never start again. So, this may not be up to par, but it will be....
A MONTAGE OF THE PAST MONTH AND A HALF!!!
KPD: Werd, I'm with the New Jersey Environmental Federation.
Random Person (RP): It's cold out... didn't you notice?
:::answering machine beep:::
Everyone ever: "Kerry? Are you okay? Call us back."
Dad: December reminds me of my dead sister.
Regional Director dude: I remember being 22. So confused. Unsure what to do. Lots of pressure from friends. Your parents telling you to get a "real job." It's a tough time in your life. So, you really need to not quit, so you can become a field manager, and then open an office because we save more lives than doctors. So, how about that 3 month committment?
RP: Who is it?
RP: It's too cold to open the door.
Dad: So, I saw the car, and I went to take her cds out, and for some reason the blood is still wet and it got all over my fucking hands.
:::answering machine beep:::
"Hey, Kerry? Why don't you check your email anymore? We moved last week. FYI..."
RP: Here's a dollar. Go home.
:::holds up streamers:::
Aunt Marnie: We are so the next Partridge Family.
:::Dad shoots a napkin ring across the table with my grandmother's old silver spoon:::
Grandma: What is Michael doing?
Dad: She just hates me because I'm Irish and she's ye old american.
Aunt Gail: Fuck it. Pass the Bailey's.
KGD: Dude, you wear that vest every day.
KPD: My vest increases my bulletproofness.
Canvass director: Kerry, you have to train new staff.
CD: And start FMIT.
CD: And get back on driver policy.
CD: Oh, and your standard is going up 30 bucks. ...You look tired.
"Kerry? Werd, we were just bluffing. We didn't actually already move."
KPD: Welcome to your observation day. So, what other stuff are you interested in?
Observer: I write poetry.
KPD: Oh cool.
OBS: And my nickname is the Erotic Lover.
KPD: Ah ha....
KPD: Dad? Is it cool if i use the stove to make Ramen while you are bottling mead?
KPD: ::::moves pot to one side:::
Dad: Damnit!!! That was my pot of dissolved corn sugar!!
KPD: How the fuck was I supposed to know that?
KPD: Fuck YOU!
Dad: MOVE OUT!
(10 minutes elapse)
Dad: Our inability to de-escalate is proof that we are related.
KPD: Dude, the mirrors on the 'burb are taped on with fucking duck tape. How do you adjust them?
Canvass kid: Mirrors?
KPD: Hi, I'm with NJEF. Can I have 60 bucks?
RP: Sure, who do I make the check out to?
KPD: N, J, E- **CRASH!**
(and by "crash", I mean her toddler daughter managed to get STUCK in my pants cuffs and fell)
RP: Dad! The dog is stuck in her scarf!
KPD: So, **choke** **gasp** Do you agree with our goals?
Canvass kid: What's the problem?
KPD: I am trying to figure out whether or not to catch the next bus... or order another beer.
CK: That's easy. You always order another beer.
CK: Next time we all go ice skating, let's not go on a Friday morning. I'll bet we'll be a lot better when we aren't all hung over.
Mom: I made you mac and cheese. Don't have frostbite.
WEEKEND IN NYC WITH 35 HOME AND FRIENDS:
KPD: Thanks for being in existence, all my 35 home ave friends. Sorry I dropped off the planet. I'll try and be less elusive in 05.
HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING NEW YEAR!